Oh Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore....

My world has forever changed.  He can NEVER be left alone.  He can't EVER drive again.  He can't EVER be trusted with money, or decisions, or our future.  He has become an unpredictable young adolescent -- good judgment some days and a temperamental toddler on others.  

He looks like my husband sometimes.  Beautiful blue eyes.  He even sounds like him sometimes -- funny, charming.  But mostly he looks and behaves like a 95 year old man.  IF he shaves, he misses huge areas.  He has ear and nose hair sticking out and doesn't care.  He repeats himself.  He has lost most manners.  His interests are focused on pornography, sex, and gambling even though these all have negative consequences for our marriage and family.

I'm starting this blog to help me navigate this new chapter of my life.  While I have been living with my husband's Parkinson's Disease for 15 years, in the past 3-5 years he has slowly become a stranger.  Recently he was diagnosed with REM Sleep Behavior Disorder and Dementia with Lewy Bodies.  My perspective on the past several years has shifted.  My anger has subsided.  He wasn't the asshole I thought he was.  The dementia was creeping in and beginning to cast shadows where there had once been light.  He is lost.

So I am married without a husband.  I'm learning to be "single" again and taking on all the responsibilities of a household and family.  I know I am not the only person dealing with this.  Hopefully this blog will bring together a community who are all Living in the Shadowlands.

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. Psalms 16:8