This is the day the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

  Valentine's Day was a challenge for me this year.  First of all, I'm tired.  I am essentially a single mom for all practical purposes.  That means all the household tasks including home maintenance.  No seriously.  Pressure washing the house, cleaning the stains off the roof, cleaning the pool, maintaining the yard along with all the inside jobs.  Now add finances including one son in out of state college, one heading to in state college this summer, and Ray's medical expenses and caregiver.  Some days my head swims with the to-do list along with doctor appointments and kids'  activities.  Oh yeah.  And I work.

Second, I don't know how to be a wife to a man I take care of.  Ray doesn't really have conversations anymore.  He spends 90% of his waking time watching TV and napping.  He is letting his hair grow long.  He doesn't attend to his appearance (mismatched clothes, long nails, ear hairs that look like caterpillars) and is annoyed if I suggest taking care of any of these things.  He drools a lot.  He makes repetitive grunts and groans.  Overall I do not find him "attractive".

So here comes Valentine's Day.  A day to celebrate our 25 years of marriage and 30+ years of knowing one another.  If I buy a card, what should it say?  A gift?  Will he notice?  It turns out the answer is YES.  He invited me to dinner out.  I bought a card that was mushy even though I don't feel all of that anymore.  He gave me a beautiful gift.  Dinner was delicious.  Conversation was non-existent.  All in all it was a lovely evening.  Once home, Ray was back in front of the TV.

More and more I see that I have to make a choice.  I have to choose whether I will wallow in my circumstances and bemoan what I don't have OR rejoice in the myriad of blessings in my life.  I am coming to understand that, to a certain degree, joy is a choice.  It is not dependent on circumstances.  Joy is about where I focus my attention.  If I focus on what's missing or what might happen, bitterness or fear steals the joy.  The very joy that will be needed to get me through the difficult circumstances.  

     This is the day the Lord has made.  I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

Adolescent Angst Squared

No doubt about it, adolescence is tough.  Peer pressure.  Alcohol.  Drugs.  Sex.  Fitting in.  Now add the issues of sexual & gender identity, STDs, and social media.  It is a time of much angst and seems to begin a lot sooner than I remember.  My 12, almost 13 year old, has been navigating this stuff since 5th grade!  And as a mom, there is only so much I can do.  I can listen.  I can ask good questions.  But I can't protect him.

Unfortunately Wyatt's world is complicated by his dad's diseases.  He recently bemoaned that friends are uncomfortable around Ray.  He makes them feel "weird".  Wyatt told them matter-of-factly that his dad makes him uncomfortable too.  My heart ached.  Fitting in with friends is hard enough in 7th grade without having a "weird" dad.  In talking it through I told Wyatt that I was proud of him for admitting how he feels.  And then we talked about how to explain Ray's diseases, how to normalize feeling uncomfortable until you get used to how he is, how to assure friends that Ray's "weirdness" is nothing to be afraid of.  The conversation was over quickly and Wyatt was off to a friend's house giving me hugs and kisses.  I sat down and cried.

I grieve that my children have to make such explanations.  I grieve that they would rather go to someone else's home where no explanations are necessary.  I grieve that Ray is an "eccentric" 80 year old man in a 60 year body.  I grieve that he can't "learn" to behave better when others are around.

And I hope.  I hope my children learn compassion.  I hope we learn to give unconditional love.  I hope we appreciate what we have since we live with a daily reminder of how quickly it can all go away.  I hope we make the most of what Ray is able to do and be a part of.  I hope.