Seasons change

It's autumn.  I look at the canopy above me and see incredible color -- vibrant red, golden yellow, fiery orange.  On the ground the leaves are a beautiful contrast to the still green grass.  And the light play…wow.  The dappled ground has the ever shifting mosaic of light and shadow.  It's really beautiful.  At the same time I realize that all this color is because the tree is shutting down in preparation for winter.  And the thinning of the leaves allows greater light play.

Today it is the same with my husband.  His body and brain are shutting down in preparation for the winter of his life.  Here too is the shifting mosaic of light and shadow.  A strong voice here.  A look of utter bewilderment there.  Concern about bills now.  Later dropping food everywhere like a toddler.  Talking about his beloved St. Louis Cardinals with a friend.  Having lunch with me and not uttering a word.  In the light there are glimpses of my husband -- fiery, golden, vibrant.  In the shadow everything is muted, faded, a remnant of what once was.

I am sad.  Sad for him.  Sad for me.  Sad for our children.  I'm thankful for the spring and summer we shared.  I am thankful for the beauty of the autumn that can take my breath away even as I see the winter coming.